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Famous (or Infamous) Quotes
"You can't be a real country unless you
have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind
of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very
least you need a beer."
--Frank Zappa
"If you can't get into heaven, then go to Ale!"
--Clark Street Ale House, Chicago, IL
"The more I know about Beer, the more I realize I need
to know more about Beer!"
--Rob Moline
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will
teach you to keep your mouth shut."
--Ernest Hemmingway
"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the
decency to thank her."
--W.C. Fields
"Work is the curse of the drinking class."
--Oscar Wilde
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
--Benjamin Franklin
"If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking
beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."
--Deep Thoughts, Jack Handy
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history
of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also
a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well
with pizza."
--Dave Barry
"Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it
from urine."
--David Moulton
"People who drink light 'beer' don't like the taste of
beer; they just like to pee alot."
--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as
hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to
make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
--Dave Barry
"I drink to make other people interesting."
--George Jean Nathan
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without
holding on."
--Dean Martin
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers
in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
--Stephen Wright
True Stories
BEER WE GO: Germans fear Englishmen going to drink
them dry
By Jeremy Armstrong
ENGLAND's massive army of World Cup fans is drinking Germany
dry, it emerged yesterday. Breweries warned beer could run
out before the final because of huge demand from English supporters.
In Nuremberg, organizers revealed 70,000 England fans who
flooded the city drank 1.2MILLION pints of beer - an average
of 17 pints each. Astonished bar keeper Herrmann Murr said:
"Never have I seen so many drink so much in such little
time." His bar at a fans' tent in the city ran out after
they drained all 32 of his 50-litre (11 gallon) barrels.
Herr Murr calculated Britons were quafing beer at a staggering
rate of 200 pints per minute. City official Peter Murrmann
said: "The English proved themselves world champs. They
practically drank us dry."
In Cologne, where England drew with Sweden, bottles and barrels
of the local Kolsch beer ran out because so many English took
them to campsites and parties.
Stuttgart bar chiefs said an extra 900,000 pints were sunk
last weekend where 60,000 fans partied before and after their
1-0 win over Ecuador.
The Veltins brewery also revealed it has produced a record
418,000 gallons in a bid to keep up with demand. A spokesman
said: "It is incredible how much is being drunk, but
the hardest thing for the breweries is keeping up with the
thirst of the English."
Associated Press--Dublin, Ireland
Workers laid off when a Guinness packaging
plant closes next month will be able to drown their sorrows
in beer, thanks to a severance package that includes up to
a 10 years free supply of the famous stout. The brewing giant's
decision to close the plant in Dundalk sparked strikes at
Guinness facilities across Ireland in April. Under the severance
agreement, the plant's 140 workers will receive one-time payments
of up to $147,000 along with health insurance, scholarships
for their children - and the beer.
The Guardian (English Daily Newspaper)
British schoolchildren caught swigging beer
know they will be punished, but in Belgium, where quaffing
ale is a national sport, schools are to start supplying pupils
with beer at lunchtime believing it to be healthier than fizzy
drinks. In a scheme that makes Britain's now defunct milk
promotion campaign look tame by comparison, a Flemish beer
lovers' club has approached 30 schools and suggested that
they substitute low-alcohol beer called tafelbier for sugary
drinks such as lemonade and Coca-Cola.
Apparently unconcerned at the prospect of pupils falling asleep
at their desks in the afternoon, at least two schools have
already agreed and one has launched a pilot scheme. Almost
80% of children who took part in the pilot scheme in Belgium's
Limburg province said they had enjoyed having beer instead
of a soft drink and other schools are expected to follow suit
when the new school year begins in September. According to
the chairman of De Limburgse Biervrienden, the beer club behind
the scheme, pupils will be able to choose between lager and
bitter, neither of which will be stronger than 2.5% alcohol.
"Beer is for the whole family," its chairman, Rony Langenaeken,
said. "And this scheme will be for children between the ages
of three and 15."
Citing a Belgian study which shows that soft drinks and fruit
juice can increase the risk of obesity and even cancer in
children, Mr Langenaeken argues that beer is healthier because
it contains less sugar. "It's good for their figure and very
healthy as well." He dismissed the idea that pupils may become
too intoxicated to concentrate on their studies. "You'd have
to drink five or six litres of the stuff to get drunk and
these will just be 25cl or 33cl bottles. I used to drink it
when I was just six years old and I still do every day."
Beer Extinguishes Pub Fire
A barrel of John Smith's beer may well have saved an English
pub and the family that lived in the pub from a New Year's
Eve fire. Publican Linda Smith and her family awoke to find
the Ball Inn in Rotherham full of smoke.
"The fire and smoke alarms didn't go off so we didn't
know about it at all, but we could easily have died in our
beds," Smith said. Authorities believe an electrical
fault in the glass-washing machine started the fire, which
scorched the wooden bar and melted electrical sockets. The
heat from the blaze also miraculously melted a pressurized
beer pipe, which acted as a makeshift sprinkler and dampened
the flames.
Russian army rescues kegs of beer
Russian troops have retrieved 10 tons of beer trapped under
the Siberian ice after a week-long operation. A lorry carrying
the beer was lost while crossing the frozen River Irtysh,
near the city of Omsk, about 2,200 kilometres (1400 miles)
from Moscow. The driver managed to jump out after the ice
gave way, but the lorry and its cargo sank. Six divers, 10
men with electric saws and a tank pulled the beer kegs - but
not the truck - to
safety.
With temperatures reaching -27C, the rescue mission was fraught
with problems. Russia's Tass news agency reported that the
recovery team eventually managed to pull the vehicle through
a hole in the ice. They retrieved the kegs of beer but the
rope snapped and the truck slipped back under the water. The
Rosar brewery in Omsk said the freezing temperatures probably
kept the quality of the beer from deteriorating and said it
will still take the delivery. It plans to sell the beer at
a discount.
Jokes
Four brewery presidents walk into a bar
in Chicago.
Carlos Fernandez from Corona sits down and says, "Hey,
Senor, I would like
the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender gives
it to him. Then August Busch says he wants the best beer in
the world. "Give me 'The King of Beers,' a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one. Pete Coors says, "I'd like
the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water. Give
me a Coors." He gets it.
Then Greg Hall, the owner of Goose Island Brewery, sits down
and says, "Give
me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but
gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why
aren't you drinking
a Honkers Ale?"
Greg replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking
beer, neither
would I."
BUFFALO THEORY by Cliff Calvin of Cheers
"Well ya see Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can
only move as fast as the slowest buffalo and when the herd
is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back
that are killed first. This natural selection is good for
the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health
of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing
of the weakest members."
"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as
fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol,
as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks
the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular
consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making
the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why
you always feel smarter after a few beers."
THE IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some
items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he
picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill
it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the
students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles,
of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He
then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed
it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box
of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled
up everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this
is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family,
your partner, your health, your children - things that if
everything else was lost and only they remained, your life
would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that
matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything
else. The small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room
for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
you will never have room for the things that are important
to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your
happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical
checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always
be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party
and fix the disposal."
"Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then a student came forward and took the jar, which the
other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded
to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the
remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
Which proves: No matter how full your life is, there
is always room for a beer.
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